Tuesday, February 27, 2007
The Tour of California (the new Paris-Nice?) has come and gone and this year, Vanilla 25 Cent and I did it in style, scoring V.I.P. passes to the Stage 5 Time Trial in Solvang thanks to Rabobank.

Jens Voigt is the fucking man. The dude fought hard, matching Levi's midway split time, but in the end, he could not better the power of the Disco Pharmacy.

Here are some video highlights including my sprinting duel at the Herbalife booth, giving Ivan Basso the thumbs down and yelling “doper, doper” as he rode by at the finish and giving Bob Roll shit because for every 30 seconds on camera, it took his stylist two minutes to Aquanet down his few remaining hairs.

And just to make a final point about how “Not Hot” the Specialized Angel is ... here's the side you don’t see on Velonews.

Buy that girl a thong!

For Stage 6, our plan was to ride out of town ahead of the peleton and meet up with an advance group containing Credit Agricole’s Saul Raisin, who, despite being in a coma just 12 months ago, still beat my ass up Casitas Pass.

We were a little delayed on the way however, because Oshinski decided to pull an "Ullrich" down Toro Canyon Road.

No, he didn’t decide to retire suddenly ... he pulled a "Le Tour 2002", missed a turn during a fast descent and ended up in a 15-foot deep ditch.

Speaking of crashes, just like that, no Spring classics for Hincapie.

Oh well, at least we are used to saying "Maybe next year" when it comes to Big George and Paris-Roubaix.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Stage 1 coverage of the Amgen Tour of California on Velonews.com ...

Mistress Julie “1” Specialized Angel “0”

You know Paulo, rainbow stripes mean something a little different when you’re in the ‘Frisco area. So do pants with no butt cheeks.

Monday, February 19, 2007
Despite looking like a giant argyle sock, Jason Donald, from the new and supposedly clean Slipstream squad, nearly upset the mighty Disco Doping Machine.

Somewhere, a gay fashion designer just died

But the real news from Sunday is that cycling fans are so hard up they can’t seem to get enough of this homely-looking chick with a severe case of kankles.

Check out our own Mistress Julie attempting to extract her own DNA sample, Medieval-style, from Paulo Bettini.

Who let this crazy woman in here?

Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Next time you’re stuck on a plane next to someone who won’t shut up, pull out your laptop, carefully open the screen (making sure the irritating person can see it), and hit this link.

And if that doesn't shut them up, start singing this Mickey Avalon song to them ...

Friday, February 9, 2007
Mutz says “these fuckers rawkk waaaay harder than pussy-ass Slayer”. Obviously, he hasn't seen these stand-ins for Cannibal Corpse.

Meanwhile, what a shocker! Doper Believes Doper. I told Rob in Queens that these guys are better at straight face lying than members of the Bush administration.

And look, for the first time in a while, Frank Vandenbroucke sought “medical care” from someone other than his veterinarian.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Well, well ... Relax GAM adds Operación Puerto darlings Mancebo and Sevilla and is now the newest member to the growing list of shitbag teams signing big name dopers in order to gain wild card spots in grand tours.

The worst part is that race organizers seem to be throwing out the red carpet for these squads of fallen heroes.

Just wait until one of them fails a drug test and taints their event like Dave Evil taints his chamois.

Here is how Yardstick “Relax”es

Last weekend, while Mistress Julie and I were braving direct sun and 75 degree temperatures, Texas Joe was out enjoying the really good weather up in Minnesota.

RideTrash winter gear

Tuesday, February 6, 2007
You couldn’t make something up this crazy ...

In Tyler Hamilton's last pro race before being suspended in 2005, “Roberto Heras (stripped of the 2005 Vuelta title and suspended for EPO), knocked Floyd Landis (facing the loss of the 2006 Tour de France title on a testosterone charge) out of the leader's jersey.

Finishing second that day was Santiago Perez (suspended for blood doping), who finished ahead of third-placed Francisco Mancebo (named in Operación Puerto and ejected from the 2006 Tour).” Velonews

Hey Tyler ...

Monday, February 5, 2007
Thanks to Jeff and Chris, Super Bowl Sunday had nothing to do with shit beer, potato chips or lips & assholes on a bun.

Instead, this shindig had marinated chicken, BBQ ribs, delicious side dishes and incredible deserts.

Not to mention free flowing Chimay, great wine, 15 year-old scotch and an unusual number of attractive women. Including the famous Heartrate Monitor Girl and Metal Kitty, Esq.

Yeah, we roughed it.

Best 1.3 million dollar commercial during the game: Quick, do something manly ... which reminds me, I think our host had a Bears jersey on.

Speaking of Bears, is Rex Grossman the Frank Vandenbroucke of football or what? Maybe there is some talent in there but that guy’s a mental train wreck.

Thursday, February 1, 2007
Lotto rider Greg Van Aermaet puts the “dick” into “Pre’dic’tor” at the Tour of Qatar and shows Tom Boonen and rival team Quick Step what he thinks of those doped-up fucksticks.

Speaking of something else most of you would like to put some "dick" into, Mistress Julie is coming to town this weekend for some warm weather rides and alcohol abuse at Jeff's world-famous Super Bowl party.

Check out her new February 2007 Calendar.

And while you're at it, go put your ears into the pain cave and check out Slayer coming near you.

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