Friday, July 29, 2005
Take a bite of an Egg Salad Sandwich and click here. You still with me? I think I need some fresh air.

I received this in an e-mail today from Anne Arkham. She’s a pretty cool chick but I’m not sure she likes the site all that much.

Oh, Yeah. Take this. My midget will defend my honor.

There are now 20 million Evangelical Christians in the United States, mostly in the South and mostly Republican. When it comes to issues involving science, these feeble-minded, Dukes of Hazard Cornpones just want simple answers to complex questions -- and some authoritarian figure to give it to them.

Since Christianity has been incorrect for most of recorded history – the world is not flat, the sun does not circle the earth, John 3:16 does not ensure the successful trajectory of a field goal, etc. -- Why would one assume they are correct in their views on stem cell research and Intelligent Design vs. Darwinism? And don't give me that "faith" answer bullshit. As far as I am concerned, the religious whacks need to "prove" their position just as much as they would require a scientist to support his or her theory.

What I can’t figure out is why self-proclaimed "Pro Life" advocates are so opposed to abortion, yet support the death penalty. But then again, I'm not one of them.

Organized religion has been called the opiate of the masses. It is a mechanism of control for the Republican Party and I feel sorry for anyone who is caught in its grip. I'll stick to the Reverend Horton Heat.

You Have Been Saved Fuckers!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Too bad for Ivan Basso, he and his sister don’t live in West Virginia.

Now that Armstrong is no longer a factor, Riis is going to make sure his boy wins the Tour next year. Ullrich will again be a bridesmaid -- not out of lack of effort on his part, but because T-Mobile will be gutted during the off-season and he’ll have a shit team compared to CSC.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005
So, did you hear the one about how Sov dies and immediately goes to hell? Problem is, there’s no room, so the Devil says “Tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place -- YOU can even decide who leaves."

Sov thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Dave in a large pool of PBR. He kept diving in, and surfacing, over and over, but was unable to drink any of the sweet nectar. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Sov said. "I don't think I could ever do that."

The Devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Bear with a toilet brush and a bathroom full of fat guys on the Colonix Program . All he did was clean the non-stop aftermath of deep intestinal cleansing, time after time after time. "No, I just couldn’t take the stench" commented Sov.

The Devil opened the third door. Through it, Sov saw Carter, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Sov looked at this in shocked disbelief and said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said … ”OK Monica, you’re free to go!”

By the way, the chicks from Hell On Heels rock!

Monday, July 25, 2005
It would seem that Vox over at VoxProletariat.com has been abusing his liver again. I got this e-mail over the weekend:

“You are a punk ass bitch ass punkin' about bein' the punk ass bitch you are faggot moither fuccker. So I been trainin' wrong. Goddamn Wild Turkey and the punk-ass Californey cops who enoforce the "no bike ridden drunk" rule. What whores. I had a point about your web journal, but I guess it don't matter, bitch, I will kick your ass freom one end of this punk ass state to the other until you realize that the tour de faggot doesn't mean shit and you realize that mountain bikers will one day rule the wizorld. Faggot. Fuck you. So, yeah, your links I appreciate and I talk like Yoda because some STOLE MY BIKE. Fuckers. It doesn't matter in the end. In the end it all goeas away.

Damn, I 'm a nihilist (sp?) motherfucker when drunk. Fuck you and your "road bike". When the revolution comes all of us true belivwers will be on $500 Jamis' cruisin through the mountains on our way to over thwrow Randall Flagg. What a pussy. Um, yeah.

To summarize. Cool site. I like you. You ride road bikes, ergop, pssy punk ass biutch.

Wild Turkey POR VIDA!" ... Thanks Vox.

Anyone want some M & M's?

Friday, July 22, 2005
If you paid close attention to the “Do the chicken’s have large talons?” scene in Napoleon Dynamite, you’ll know what this is all about:

Saturday is the last TT of Armstrong’s career and I’m sure his intention is to win it. Watch for Ullrich to spoil the party though – he just might just pull something out.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005
With Roberts’ appointment to the Supreme Court most likely creating the swing vote that would reverse Roe v. Wade, I have this to say: I hope Jenna Bush is raped and impregnated by the biggest, blackest, escaped convict in the American penal system. Then what George? Are you going to welcome your new grandchild? Or is she going to be sent away to Sweden for a secret abortion? You total fucking hypocrite. It all boils down to what’s good for the rich, religious and conservative.

As the Tour slips into the long, flat, boring part of the race, Al Trautwig will feel the need to talk even more about nothing and OLN will fill the coverage up with those retarded, Chris Carmichael and Kirsten Gumm segments. The last bit of excitement will come on Saturday as Basso, Ullrich, Rasmussen and Leipheimer sort out the the final two podium spots in the ITT.

Is that Laurent Brochard?

Wanna knock some time off a ride? Stick this in your MP3: At The Gates, Slaughter of the Soul.

Monday, July 18, 2005
Best newspaper headline of the weekend:
"Depp's 'Chocolate Factory' Has Tasty Opening" – if you say so.

Most disturbing headline:
”Bush Revises Vow to Fire Leaker”. Now Bush is saying that anyone who "committed a crime" in connection with the CIA disclosure won't have a job in his administration. Previously, Bush had vowed to fire anyone to have “leaked” the information. What an asshole. All this “morally right” shit they spew never seems to apply to them.

Speaking of assholes, I agree with Ken – Hincapie did nothing but suck wheels the entire way up the Pla d’adet, fucking everyone else and then sprinting away at the end for the win. The only thing he could have done differently was to smack Oscar Pereiro in the head with a frame pump on the way to victory.

I didn't fuck this one up

Thursday, July 14, 2005
Check out the new edition on The Podium.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005
You knew it was coming as soon as the big climbs approached. First, Evgeni Petrov of Lampre gets kicked out for a hematocrit over 50%, now, EPO whore Dario Frigo gets arrested (again) after performance-enhancing drugs were found in his wife's car. Obviously Frigo didn’t learn from Raimondas Rumsas that you don’t let your wife drive around with your dope in the trunk.

Time for your “vitamin” shot Lance

I’m sure the winner of the 2006 Tour will receive the same sort criticism that Armstrong faced when he won his first Tour in ’99, a race that did not feature either Pantani or Ullrich. Oh well, at least one thing is for sure: Ullrich will not win that race either.

Ooo La La, Miss TdF 2005

I hope this guy has been on a diet of highly constipating foods lately because he’s not going to have use of his rectum for a while.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Once again, Lance dropped the pre-race favorites like I would drop these guys ...

I knew Ullrich would crack but Vino surprised me. Look for Basso and Leipheimer as good shots to round out the top three in Paris.

Not that Paris

Monday, July 11, 2005
Big weekend for Rabobank. The Dutch flatlanders dominated the mountains with 2 stage victories and grabbed the lead in the KOM competition. Pieter Weening and Michael Rasmussen suffered like a fat man on the toilet after a pork chili cook-off, but managed to pull off the wins of their career.

Dutch fans are so ... Dutch

Yardstick just found out his man, Bram De Groot, is not in the Tour this year.

Here is the Dutch-to-English translation from the latest post on Bram's "gastenboek": “Bram congratulated with the victory. They are possible not for your gone for you at the France select for the tour.”

I suspect the author may have been under the influence of some hash and a few Heinekens.

Up at the Cascade Classic, this team manager is giving his rider a little extra motivation to go fast.

Thursday, July 7, 2005
Initially, I thought the French were responsible for the bombings in London this morning having just lost their bid to host the 2012 Summer Olympic Games.

Apparently, Al-Qaida has claimed credit for the attack.

Speaking of attacks, Alexandre Vinokourov is a smart rider and, looking at the way he dresses, color blind. He just grabbed 19 seconds on Armstrong today with a heads-up move at the end of a wet, Stage 6 and a 2nd place time bonus. This guy wants a podium spot and seems to be willing to do more to get it than Ullrich.

Back on this side of the pond, Rapper Lil’ Kim (Black) was just sentenced to 1 year in prison for lying to a grand jury. Doily-designer, Martha Stewart (White & Rich), served only five months for the same offence -- Now that ‘aint right.

Ever get the feeling that both Norton and MacAfee CREATE most of the computer viruses out there so that we all have to buy their damn software?

Wednesday, July 6, 2005
Floyd Landis of Phonak leaves a gift for the poor chamber maid at the Hotel Montargis.

Teammate Oscar Pereiro wanted to “Upper Deck” it, but Floyd had to point out to the Spaniard that there was no tank and the smell would just be mistaken for unshaven armpits or chunk of Camembert cheese.

Tuesday, July 5, 2005
A nightmare for the French.

American riders have held the top two spots since the start of the Tour, a Belgian has a firm grip on the points competition, a Ukrainian is the best young rider, a Dutchman took the “Small Pox” jersey away from little Thomas Voelkler and a French national is only 29 seconds from last place.

And just to rub salt on the escargot, Ag2R was just pathetic in the TTT.

Ready, Set, Lose

Some other quick notes: McEwen is a dick, Zabriskie had trouble taking a piss as race leader (because everyone was watching), Basso and Julich are in good GC position, CSC should have won the TTT (and Discovery knows it), Phonak found out that $20,000 TT bikes will still finish you 1:31 slower than the winning time and Ullrich will be fighting to just get on the podium.

Friday, July 1, 2005
Tour Time.

Brad just let me know that Ullrich smashed into the T-Mobile team car, breaking the window and escaping with only minor cuts and scratches -- must have been thinking about his new girlfriend Sara Steinhauser, or, as Dave Evil said, been in an ecstasy haze.

Armstrong too suffered several small injuries in a crash during a TT training ride around Nice this week. Personally, I think the black eye and cut over his right eyebrow were from Sheryl Crow kicking his ass. You know, typical domestic abuse excuse stuff -- “That’s right Officer, I just fell into the door.”

Happy 4th of July -- Just remember, thanks to our current administration, you’re less-free now than you were a year ago.

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