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Wednesday, June 28, 2006
It's Tour time again, so I’ll go out on a limb and make some bold predictions:

1. Basso will win. (Check out his sister on video)
2. Landis will podium. (Floyd Rules!)
3. Saddly, Boonen will take green. (Doper)
4. Hincapie will finish in the Top 8. (Dumb)
5. Ras”skeleton” will take KOM title. (Moreau's Old)
6. Ullrich will win both long ITTs. (Expected)
7. David Millar will not win the Prologue. (Clean)
8. Phil Liggett will broadcast at least one day completely drunk. (Lock the OLN Liquor Cabinet)
9. Riders will stage a protest in response to Operation Puerto. (Can you say 1998?)
10. And ... some retard Frenchman will win Stage Twelve with some boring breakaway on Bastille Day.

I’m on vacation through next week, so, until then, check out the new Mistress Julie blog and enjoy her July 2006 Calendar.

Monday, June 26, 2006
Everyone knows that French riders suck ... but I'll leave any sucking to hot French maids thank you very much.

As Operation Puerto continues to expand farther than Manolo Saiz’s waistline, it’s a sad fact that our sport will always be tainted.

Maybe the UCI will finally get serious, buy one of these "special" vans from the Chinese government, slap some WADA stickers on it and go pay Tyler Hamilton a visit.

While I exerted myself like a rider in the Spanish National Championship this weekend, Paolo Bettini took his title looking like a fucking guido complete with chest hair and gold chain medallion.

Just apply baby oil

And, maybe it’s lead poisoning from all that buckshot, but Greg LeMond just can’t let this Armstrong rivalry thing go.

Thursday, June 22, 2006
While Kim Jong Il’s “Dong” may be small by cold war superpower standards, the fact that this third-world monkey can potentially punch us directly in the gut is more than a little scary.

Why did Bush focus on Saddam Hussein again???

Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Just as cycling claims the dubious honor of being the most doped sport, “Armstrong Pounds Dick” about the EPO leak.

Tough talk from a dude that’s one ball away from having one of these ...

Monday, June 19, 2006
While Operation “Porko” is busy finding the perfect cellmate for Manolo Saiz, the ASO has officially withdrawn Comunidad Valenciana’s Tour invite.

I think we have a match

Fine with me ... Saunier Duval and Euskaltel-Euskadi have more than enough irritating, doped-up, Spanish climbers on their teams for one tour.

And big fucking deal ... Jan Ullrich barely beats Koldo Gil at the Tour de Swisse and fans are crapping themselves like a bunch of Special-Ed kids.

How quickly people forget that Ivan Basso destroyed a much more competitive field at the Giro and is set to hand "Der Kaiser" his "Der Hindquarters" come July - 'cause there just 'aint enough time trial miles to make up for the pounding he’s going to get in the mountains.

Thursday, June 15, 2006
As if American strong-arm foreign policy and the debacle in Iraq weren’t enough, Budweiser gives the world one more reason to hate our guts ...

Der "Buttwiper" ist shist!

Fuck corporate profits ... serve real beer if you want to see euro girls get drunk and naked.

See if any of these women are modeling the uniform of your favorite World Cup team.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006
See what happens when you forward a link to Erik without proper adult supervision ...

“So, I did the Diet Coke thing last night. The entire side of my mom's house was sticky and I’m sure the ants are going to be going ape-shit today. Fuckin' eh, I tried to grab the bottle to make it look like I was shooting a big load, but ended up getting foam all over my pants.”

I wonder if anyone's ever attempted a Diet Coke and Mentos enema or, for some "reverse flow" action, a Diet Coke enema with a Mentos suppository.

A 5 year-old "detoxing"

Monday, June 12, 2006
Like Erik, David in the UK claims that he too had a picture rather unflatteringly altered in Photoshop by a friend ...

We’ll take your word for it Dave ... really.

When I think of the Brits, I think of beer (and that little twit, David Millar). So raise a pint, drink it fast and sing along to the Lungbutter song.

I could get into this whole World Cup thing ...

Brazilian Soccer Mom

Thursday, June 8, 2006
With all the build-up and hype about Stage 4 of the Dauphiné Libéré up the Ventoux, I was expecting to see a great juggernaut of a Chort, instead, I saw diarrhea.

Pulling an "Ullrich"

None of the principles even tried, except for Levi Liepheimer and Denis Menchov.

I feel cheated.

Wednesday, June 7, 2006
While most of us experience an occasional sleepless night due to work stress or the fear of being anywhere near Phil Ochoa during a bunch sprint ...

PsychoCross Art is consumed by the burning question of which RideTrash Mistress would win in a steel cage pillow fight.

Can you say Pay-per-view?

Erik discovered the hard way never to send drunken photos of yourself to a friend who’s proficient at Photoshop.

The problem is, I can't tell which picture has been doctored up to make him look like more of a wasted retard.

And speaking of retards, a friend and I were having a discussion about the Dauphiné Libéré at a bar and some dumbass next to us asked us if that was the one Jack Black is in.

Your pants, they look expensive

Monday, June 5, 2006
Tomorrow is 6/6/06, not really the number of the beast, but for a group of clinically brain-dead, religious expectant mothers, their due date holds an extra dimension of dread with the prospect of giving birth to devil children on Armageddon day.

And if that isn’t bad enough, you know that people have come completely unhinged when state money is needlessly spent (during times of record budget deficits) changing perfectly good highway signs.

Mistress Nikki plans to "celebrate" this most evil of all days. Check out her latest blog from the depths of hell.

Freeze ... I mean burn

Friday, June 2, 2006
The Memorial Day weekend brought both Kurt “Dog” and Mistress Julie to town followed by a trip out to Southern Utah with Lorita for some time on the bike.

Your girl sags, my girl SAGs

Riding in “the sticks” means empty roads, beautiful scenery and stupid rednecks in Ford F-150s yelling “fag” when they drive by – which is fine, just as long as they don’t swerve or throw shit at me.

Maybe I would have felt more threatened by the last guy who verbally insulted my skin-tight lycra outfit if he didn’t have a fucking Lhasa Apso on his lap.

Who you calling gay, brokeback cowboy?

When all was said and done, I had 190 miles in the bank and some badass biker tan lines to go with them.

Can you believe even more shit is hitting the fan in the latest euro-pro doping scandal and once again, Phonak seems to be a magnet for trouble. Speaking of our favorite brown waste product ...

Everyone knows “Poo Rules”!

Thursday, June 1, 2006
While I was suffering on the bike last weekend (more later), Erik was experiencing some “pain” of his own on his 21st birthday.

He didn’t want to talk about it but did mention he got some "action" and almost drown in the pool.

Dave O. reminds us why we shouldn’t race crits or take our eyes off the road while riding past the women’s beach volleyball courts on Cabrillo Blvd.

Golf, anyone?

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