Monday, May 30, 2005
Also this weekend was the Indy 500. I don’t follow car racing, and I don’t even know who won, but I do know that Formula 1 is faster, requires more skill and is much more classy than fucking, redneck, ASSCAR. Plus, some chick with “so much clit, she don’t need no balls” finished 4th averaging 228 MPH. The guys who finished behind her -- their penises just shriveled up.
I can think of a lot of other things to do on a weekend than sit and watch cars go around in a circle. Add to that the noise, the smell of exhaust and a big, fat, sweaty guy named Bubba spilling beer on you and you have pure hell. Friday, May 27, 2005
Gentlemen, start your livers. Last time he flew out, he was wearing a pair of D-Feet socks with Chili Peppers on them. During the flight, he took his shoes off to relax and was wondering why everyone around him was giving him funny looks. It wasn't until later he realized the socks said “Screaming Sphincter” in big, bold letters on the bottom. Someone at D-Feet has a sense of humor. The Bumper Dumper -- back your vehicle up to the Grand Canyon, Big Sur or Mount Rushmore and take the most scenic poop pile of your life. Just make sure no one is using it when you break camp and start heading down the highway.
I hate to even acknowledge her existence, but has anyone noticed that Paris Hilton actually gained 2 or 3 ounces lately? I guess that dumb twat's not on her "vodka and sperm" diet any more.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Is that a Champagne bottle in your pants? LeMevel's "excitement" about his win apparently did not go unnoticed by the podium girl on the right. Next time someone asks you how far you ride every week (because they notice that you shave your legs and apparently are NOT some sort of off-duty Drag Queen), them answer in kilometers. It'll fuck with their heads for a minute and 200k sounds more impressive than 125 miles. Tuesday, May 24, 2005 And, because you just can't get enough of bikes, beer and porn, I'll be catching up with things over at DrunkCyclist.com. Thanks again for the link Big Jonny. Monday, May 23, 2005 No, not good “laid”, but “Lay’d, as in nearly run into a frickin’ ditch by a big Frito Lay truck. Is it just me or did the idiot driver population double in the past few years?
Hey, Potato Chip Man. Here’s what I learned at the Giro this weekend: Basso’s as tough as nails. Most of us would have trouble riding 200k up those passes in perfect health, let alone blowing chunks and with anal seepage. Salvodelli continued to be stronger than expected and apparently has Attention Deficit Disorder since he keeps missing critical moves that cost him precious seconds. With enough doping, Danielo DiLuca can get up the hills faster than pure climbers like Simoni and sprint the last 500 meters of the Passo Eira. Robbie McEwen is a great sprinter, but a self-centered asshole. Not starting a stage while in the points jersey hardly shows respect for the Giro. I wonder if he took his hypoxic tent with him?
Anyone got some toilet paper? Friday, May 20, 2005 So, I'm thinking this thing might save a few relationships. Green if the seat is down, red if it's up. It would, of course, eliminate the humor of your significant other falling into the toilet at 2:30am and then yelling out your name, and a few expletives, in anger.
They really should make a light for the outside of the bathroom that indicates whether or not it is currently habitable or reeking of death and decaying fecal matter -- because we need one of those at work -- bad. Thursday, May 19, 2005 Just as I'm putting a nail into Salvodelli and Discovery, they pull out a huge win and are back in the game. Lance must have brought over some of the good drugs when he paid his surprise visit on Tuesday. CSC's Riis is looking pretty smart now with his guy in pink and good form to hold it.
Did someone say "pink"? While NBA players are focused on shooting and scoring their way to the finals this month ...
these girls seem to have a different kind of bucket in mind. Tuesday, May 17, 2005 Last year the number 10 meant stage wins for Petacchi -- this year it means the number of days before his first stage win after repeatedly missing out, getting boxed in and following his guys into a ditch. After further review ... Bettini got screwed big time in Stage 4. How can you fault a guy who is in an all out sprint and slides over to the left just out of maximum effort? Cookie had the right side wide open, but never looked like he had the speed to go around him. The end result -- a broken Cookie. And what's up with Mr. Tour of Georgia DNFing in Stage 9? What happened? Discovery and Paulo Salvodelli are so screwed now. Pack it up and go home -- this team is the most talented bunch of non-producers since ... T-Mobile. I still hate di Luca. He was busted for drugs once, why would you assume he's not juiced up now. He's just smarter now after being caught.
Apparently, David Zabriskie doesn't like him either. Monday, May 16, 2005 Oh yeah, Phillip says that next time you head over to the neighbour's to complain about the noise, knock on the door, tell them to shut up, if they get pissed off, let them close the door, then drop your pants and spread your cheeks around the doorknob. Enjoy the thoughts of your feces spreading about, by hand.
Paolo Bettini gets a little too excited about his success at the Giro. Friday, May 13, 2005 I can't believe it! The Giro race officials actually ruled against an Italian in the final sprint of stage 4. When was the last time that happened? Bettini was eventually relegated for not holding his line, but Cookie was playing with fire going to the outside like that. I'll wait to see it on OLN this weekend before deciding who was at fault -- like my opinion matters. Wednesday, May 11, 2005 Captain Dave is usually rubbing shoulders with cycling elites like Floyd Landis at the Tour de Georgia when he's not "rubbing" other body parts on Sov or Bear Pi. Thanks again Dave, I owe you a case of beer someday. Monday, May 9, 2005 Let's see, what will it be this year? More police raids? A 23 year-old "doped-up" nobody winning the Maglia Rosa in Milan? How many race leaders will be thrown out for testing positive? Or throwing a punch at a Simoni Hooligan? In typical Italian fashion, the 2005 race is anything but typical -- starting with a bizarre 1k nighttime Prologue under floodlights. While this was a great visual effect for the Tifosi, it was bad for riders like Damiano Cunego who didn't start until 10:00pm. Just when you thought you'd see enough, the evening was capped off with, now retired, Mario Cipollini rolling out for a final victory lap in a pink body suit that made him look like a skinned rabbit.
Wait, that's not Cipo.
This is. Now it's on to 5 or 6 mostly flat, sprinter stages until the first real hills and the first real action begins. |
