| Hey, Mr. Hummer H2 Driver |
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Not only do those things make you look like an inhabitant of Planet Zardoz, but “talking to yourself” in public places severely blurs the distinction between you and an insane, homeless person.
Can you hear me now? ... Good Speaking of high-tech, some tattoo artists have started offering “Glow-in-the-Dark” designs using a surgical skin marking ink visible only under a blacklight. Apparently, this luminescent additive makes your skin itch for a year, but hell, now you can get that satanic pentagram tattooed on your hand or forehead and the boss will never know - unless you work at a strip club or head shop.
Now that Roberto Heras is officially guilty after failing both his A & B controls from the Vuelta, I think Manolo Sainz should also get a two year suspension.
That fat fuck probably personally injected Heras with the EPO and he has to have known about it. I can’t believe Vino is actually going to that team next year. I’m still recovering from my various vacation injuries ...
I think I need a nurse Monday, November 28, 2005 Dropping 8o-feet into narrow slot canyons and then negotiating past various rockfall obstacles and dropoffs is hard shit on your body.
Vanilla 25 Cent and Swill descend Grandma can still cook up a storm, including fresh baked pies and cobblers every night -- although she did get a little confused when we all started referring to the Thanksgiving turkey as “H5N1” (bird flu).
Lorita squeezes Southern Utah delivered some incredible scenery, perfect weather and absolute solitude. Not to mention, there's nothing more entertaining than rolling into a small, rural, Mormon town and getting the “hairy eyeball” from the locals.
The Wave Special thanks to Scumbag, Kurt “Dog”, Vanilla 25 Cent, Lorita and the Arizona boarder liquor store for an amazing trip.
New RideTrash t-shirt logo Monday, November 21, 2005 I wouldn't mind at all exploring this girl’s "slot canyon" ...
Did I mention I’m getting harder than Chinese Algebra? Mistress Julie is heading out to sunny Santa Barbara in December to put in some miles and raise some hell with us. Jeff is loaning her a bike with the condition that she not wipe off the seat after riding it. Here are a couple photos of her in action at last weekend’s cross race.
Forget EPO and steroids, if you want performance enhancement, try PsychoCross Art’s recipe for homemade chamois cream: 1 tbsp Original Tabasco If this doesn't make you ride faster, then take up golf or just let the "car-running-in-the-garage-fairy" take your pain away. Friday, November 18, 2005
"This just in ... Pro Cyclists are Gay! The UCI announced today that during its investigation into drug use by pro cyclist it discovered that in fact most pro's are in fact gay. Although no one is surprised to see that Phonak is gay, the cycling community is shocked to find out how LIQIGAS (leaky gas) got its name. The UCI has not released its findings on whether or not being gay is considered "performance enhancing". Mr.Vrijman, formerly the Director of the anti-doping agency in the Netherlands only commented, "Uh, leave me alone! I am not gay, that’s just my accent!". There is unconfirmed talk that the UCI will move it's headquarters From Switzerland to San Francisco. This is said to be totally unrelated to the gayness of pro cycling. Tyler Hamilton has no comment." Meanwhile out in Jersey, Big Brad is in the market for a new XC race bike and saw an ad for a team Maxxis replica that Geoff Kabush rides.
Threesome anyone? He shot out an e-mail and ended up talking to the 2004 XC National Champion - and guy who promotes DOPERS SUCK t-shirts on the podium - for about 15 minutes. Who knew Brad would get an interview with the champ? In the business world, having a good resume is critical. Lucky for us, elite rider, Joanne Fusco knows how to put one together that highlights her key assets. Jeff says this 2006 calendar is much better than the one he got from his insurance agent.
You can order one over at CyclePassion.com. Your girlfriend won't mind - really. Wednesday, November 16, 2005 Standing in the grocery store checkout line, I came to the sudden realization that every issue of O Magazine has that gas bag on the cover. Not even Martha Stewart does that.
Look at me, look at me Not to mention the Hermes incident in Paris where she showed up at closing time and threw a fit when they refused to stay open late in order to caterer to her celebrity whim. She cried racism – what??? – of course failing to take into consideration that what she was asking them to do was rude and the fact that she was in France, not the US, and people’s attitude toward work is different. Come back tomorrow when they’re open or buy the fucking company you whining, snob. Big Brad reports having a moment of “Insanity” at the Weyerbacher brewery in Easton, Pennsylvania a couple of weeks ago. At 11% per pint, that stuff has the alcohol content of an entire case of PBR and only takes 3 or 4 to get you well on your way to blackout island.
Weyerbacher also makes “Blithering Idiot” and “Black Hole Ale”. At least they believe in truth in advertising. Monday, November 14, 2005 Ivanski said he'll be reconsidering his turkey preference on Thanksgiving this year. Well the Utah crew did some damage out at the State CycloCross Championships last Saturday. PsychoCross Art kicked some ass and is now the new Masters 35+ Utah State Champion while Mistress Julie finished 2nd after a mechanical, just missing the jersey. Once again, Julie was displaying her own special style of cheerleading at the event.
Friday, November 11, 2005 Before you think this site has turned gayer than two guys sharing a scorpion bowl ... Arkansas Razorback coach, Houston Nutt, announced that freshman quarterback, Casey Dick, will start for Arkansas against the South Carolina Gamecocks on Saturday. Dick is replacing Robert Johnson who started the first seven games for Arkansas this season.
I'll stick to boobs thank you
Speaking of boobs, Tim was wondering if there was a Mistress Julie calendar. There is now. Print out your copy of December 2005 here. MTBers 1 Roadies 0 Of course, in the roadies defense, it should be noted that Il Falco - Paulo Salvodelli, arguably the best descender on a road bike in the world, was unable to attend this year's event. Tuesday, November 8, 2005
How true it has all become ... Roberto Heras was suspended this week following a non-negative A-sample test for EPO from stage 20 of the 2005 Vuelta. A positive B-sample will strip him of the title. I feel sorry for the guys, like Menchov, who come in second in these situations and are denied the glory that was rightfully theirs. Not that he too wasn’t doped, but at least he didn’t get caught. Maybe I’ll just start following Midget Basketball from now on ... at least until the little guys all start taking "growth hormones".
Monday, November 7, 2005
... our Saturday Cielo Velo ride was being subjected to the brutal elements of a Southern California Fall day – sunny, 80 degrees and no wind. Many of you must wonder how we endure it.
Can someone pass the sunscreen? Check out what Mistress Julie has to say - at least the stuff that can be printed. It's hard work being both beautiful and clinically insane.
Lorrie might be in trouble And what the hell is going on with all the rioting over in France?
It’s like a Belgian won the Tour or something. Thursday, November 3, 2005
And, as if that wasn't funny enough, he's accusing store employees of ignoring his cries for help for over 15 minutes because they thought he was kidding. I'd say that under the circumstances, the response time was pretty good considering I would have been laughing my ass off for at least an hour.
Next time you head out to your favorite bar with some friends, you may want to learn a few of these important hand signals courtesy of Modern Drunkard Magazine. I am four sheets to the wind. Wednesday, November 2, 2005 I don’t think she realizes I’m totally serious. Check out the new edition of The Podium. Also, I don't know about you, but this makes my heart rate go up - and no, it's not Julie.
And finally, here's a fucked up little tune about when you’re a kid and you what to go Weeeeeeeeeeee, but you 'aint got drugs yet. |
Look at my nipples when I'm talking to you! |
